I’m the happiest I have been since I can remember. How do you do this to me?

I’m so happy and comfortable around you. Waiting to see you is the worst, but the wait makes seeing you all the better. 

I want you infinitely more now that I can’t have you. 

but that surely wasn’t enough. I’m devastated right now. I want to talk to you so badly right now like how things used to be, but I can’t because you’re not there for me anymore and you never will be again. I hate knowing that one visit could have changed all of this. I hate having to force myself to make a once-huge part of my life become nothing. I don’t remember what things were like before you. I hate that I made time to be with you and now I don’t have anyone to lean on in return. This sucks.

I don’t like change, and I don’t like to be ignored. Why violate that? Grrr. 

It’s hard not being able to see you on a regular basis, or any basis at all for that matter. What bothers me is that it really isn’t even the distance that is what is keeping us apart, but it’s our lives. I wish I had a binding reason to keep trying, but all I have is hope that things will get better. I hate that there’s no tangible end to this. I hate not being in control. I hate not knowing what’s to come. It’s been too long.

Ever have those days where you want to cry for no particular reason, but just because the tears are there and ready to be shed? I feel like today is one of those days. I don’t want to keep it all inside. That could be detrimental. But I can’t keep it all inside either. I hate not knowing, and right now, I don’t know.

I feel like it’s worse than just have an overall bad day to begin with. These give you hope and tear them down. I hate feeling helpless. 

I get so annoyed when you are in the middle of a good conversation with someone and they just stop texting you back out of the blue.

I wonder if he knows how much that I miss him.

I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I trust you. You haven’t given me any reason to doubt that. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I hate that I am a control freak.

I need to stop second-guessing myself. Why do I have a harder time trusting myself than trusting others? I need to learn to respect the decisions that I make, because I obviously made them for a reason. I’m just glad I didn’t act on my nervous impulses. I’m glad I didn’t screw anything up. This is too good to give up just yet.

My mind is telling me one thing but my heart another. I don’t know how I feel about this anymore. I don’t want to just keep pretending, but I can’t stop because I don’t know if I even am or not. I wish I knew myself better. I really just don’t want to hurt you.

Where did the sparks go? Did they every exist in the first place? Or was I just blinded from the today? I don’t know what part of me to follow anymore, because my judgement is obviously skewed either way. Why does it have to be a lose-lose situation when just yesterday it was the best thing that had ever happened to me?